11/10/24 i feel like shit eureka
idk how consistent i want to be with these posts…..was planning on trying to make one daily but well. the election happened. and everything else. and i’ve been in a kind of horrible fog the past few days over and really would just like to skip through the upcoming time.
i’m trying to not cut again until the current shit is less obviously visible. but that’s an annoyingly long time. only real benefit out of this time is that my mom let me steal some of the gummies my dad got and is chill with me taking shit now lmao. so that’s something i guess. still feel like i have to space them out. but it’s something.
art has felt like a huge chore. i’m very tired of it but i have nothing else to do. i feel like i'm never going to improve or actually get anything that looks how i want it to. i’m just so frustrated and i feel like my problems have to just be me being fucking useless at this point. i never actually internalize any advice i hear because none of it makes sense when it comes to application. it’s just so overwhelming to think about how many things you have to actively balance and think about to have an actual good piece. and the sounds won’t stop fucking coming and doors won’t stop shutting and lights won’t stop flicking and i want them to stop i hate that i can’t control the sounds
i know i’m not really fun to talk to right now…i don’t think i’m ever really that fun to talk about but currently especially. all i can fucking do is complain. i know everyone is sick of having to put up with me and wants me to go away but i’m too much of a selfish asshole to do the actual kind thing there. i’m not fucking worth coddling and i know people are tired of me because i’m tired of myself. i seriously just want to actually grow a pair and kill myself but i’m too much of a coward so instead i just sit here and complain. that’s kind of all i do ever now.
it’s really disheartening seeing people share their sketch pages/books especially lately. people sharing will always say oh i only have such messy sketches and it’s like, it’s good and adventurous art and clear posing and concepts and interesting to look at even if unfinished and the only thing i can everrrr fucking draw is lazy busts or maybe a character standing there if im lucky. i know that for good character illustration i’m supposed to understand force and intent of movement but the time comes to try and actually put something to paper and i just can’t at all. i don't know how people are able to make something interesting and engaging with simple sketches…even when i get an actual idea it takes such embarrassing amounts of effort and time for me to finish shit, no matter how simple it is. i don’t get how people can just draw things that aren’t bland and pointless. i just feel like any creativity i ever had is gone at this point. i feel like there’s no fucking point every time i try to draw because it’s never going to be interesting or fulfilling.
i’m trying to work on the small gif i posted the sketch for in the last post (talking about it like that feels odd. it’s stupidly simple, it shouldn’t fucking be some sort of big undertaking) but it feels pointless because i just realized that it’s literally just the exact same composition, posing, etc as the last drawing i posted. all i can do is fucking recycle ideas. and so now i’m back at step one, where i know i’ve wasted this time and still have nothing at all to show for it. i would say i hate creating but i don’t even think i deserve to call what i do that. i’m just wasting everyone’s time.