first blog post?

struggled an embarassing amount putting this together at first... got a bit easier after a break and actually eating something though, lol. crazy how that works.

anyways, im hoping that setting up some sort of blog, diary, journal, whatever, can help me a bit. my brain has been very hellish for a very long time now and i feel bad the more i complain publicly, especially since i really dont have that many problems compared to everyone else. just feels like im desperate for attention, which i guess i am, but whatever. hoping that here can be my brain dump place, essentially.

as for recent shit, yesterday really kinda sucked ass lol. if anyone is reading this, i'm gonna be talking about self harm and suicidal thoughts in this (probably in a lot of blog entries too..) so a heads up for that. but regardless, ended up spiraling again because i found out another rouxlsposting account blocked me. im not even sure why i care that much, since i'd blocked first in another one of my wonderful brain-randomly-deciding-someone-disgusts-me-irrationally fits, but it did. ended up cutting for about the third day in a row. which sucks because im normally better about spacing that out, lol. i never go deeper than styro because i'm a little bitch (and also really scared of infections. and the idea of maggots inside of me.) but it still stings really bad. also cut on my calf since i ran out of room on my thigh, which i regret a lot because walking stings like a bitch now. idk.

i really want to be able to get professional help about this shit but it feels like a lost cause at this point. my parents can never know, at least not until i'm out of the house, because i know they're going to search everything and probably go through my phone and my computer and it'll turn into conversations about stuff completely irrelevant to that and i'll never have privacy again. i do not want my parents getting on my ass for whatever weird kink art and shit ive drawn or whatever LMFAO. i also just don't know how much of it will end up actually helping. im very much aware that my thoughts are irrational, which seems to be the only real goal a lot of therapy seems to come to. the awareness just kind of makes me feel worse. it's just kind of an endless loop of, as an example:

"everyone hates me and wants me to die." -> "that's irrational, of course not literally person you've ever interacted with hates you. why would you even think that? are you seriously that self absorbed and desperate for attention?" -> "i'm disgusting and attention seeking, this is why everyone hates me and wants me to die."

it never really stops looping like that, regardless of how aware i am that it's fucking stupid to think like that.

fun first entry to have. lmfao

a rouxls for your troubles :)