1/19/25 is this thing on?
unsure how to really start this… but going to try a bit of a take two on my blog! attempts at more of a semi-regular journal thing… or…..something…. i don’t know………..
i’ve been spending this month doing a lot of traditional art, mainly. i find it more satisfying and enjoyable than digital art, especially now. with digital art, i feel like i’m not really allowed to mess up. i have the tools to fix it, i should be able to, so i’m never able to move on or try something else. with traditional, it’s like. if i mess up, i mess up, and i move on, yknow :P it does mean that i feel like i’ve not been very ambitious with my art lately, though. thinking that today will mostly be a studies day (i’ve been trying to practice drawing some boxes in perspective daily for the past week or so, and it’s actually been going nicely. still struggle with boxes on like… the far end of the triangle made in three-point perspective, where two points meet each other, but i’ll figure that out eventually.)
there’s been quite a lot happening on my end lately too that has made me not very ambitious with art. the winter misery is still upon me and my mental health is doing as expected with that as well as school starting back up. it’s very weird thinking about how close i am to graduating high school. i honestly did not think i would last to this point and i’m not sure how to feel about it all. still have so much shit when it comes to scholarships to get done, but at least i know what school i’m going to.
i’m very frustrated with where i am mentally, but there isn’t much i can do about it. there’s shit wrong with me, i can control my actions but i can’t control my emotions, and my emotions are nothing but miserable. but there isn’t anything i can do about it because there’s no way for me to actually get help. so it is what it is. i really hope that at least the current main fog lifts soon and i can get back to my default thoughts being obsessing over the game i like rather than empty self hatred. just have to wait it out, though.
the WORST part about school coming back is. okay well actually separate things. the most difficult part is my early college courses- very long story short, my school offers an early college program where juniors and seniors can take a couple of courses through a local community college. i wasn’t planning on going through it this year, but i was kind of…forced? to. i’m a #giftedkid and was placed in an english class two years ahead of mine when i was in sixth grade. i’m the only student in my school district who this has been done for, and the scheduling nightmare it’s caused means i’m absolutely the last. despite having more than enough english credits, i was required to take an english class for my senior year, and the school didn’t have any more for me, so. eng 231 it was :P. i finished that course last semester but am still taking early college courses because i’m only required to go into school at 11:00 through them (as opposed to 7:25… i’m still sleeping at that time, now.) the courses i’m taking now, intro to sociology and applied stats… may actually kill me. dead. i’m going to DIE. i am not very good with keeping up with my work while doing online courses and these classes are far more fast-paced than the ones i took last semester. pray for me.
the most annoying part is my creative writing class. it’s an elective my school offers and is replacing my mythology class from last semester, though it’s with the same teacher. i don’t like her. very compelling start to the class by some of our first days being… taking notes on jk rowling and neil gaiman talking about their writing processes. great inspirations to have.
aside from that, the absolute worst part is the way she wants us to share our writing. i expected that our work would be read by our peers. i did not expect that she wanted us to read all of it out loud in front of the entire class. it’s awful. it makes me want to not write anything at all. she’s weirdly focused on having us not actually read in her classes. in the mythology class, she would regularly just play parts from audiobooks and not give us the actual text at all, making it impossible for me to focus or keep track of anything. i hate audiobooks. i’m really not looking forward to the rest of this class.
but, yeah. back to trying to practice drawing arms. mostly just trying to write this to get my brain to settle a bit. using some colored pencils my mom got today for my drawings. they’re very soft and nice to use.
thanks for reading :)